January 5th, 2017

1/5/17

My "before" and "after" photos.  Crazy how much muscle I've lost since the surgeries!  

I know we've all grown accustomed to seeing amazing transformation "before" and "after" pictures which are awesome and motivating and should absolutely be shared and celebrated. No question. People should be credited for their hard work and for inspiring others. But what about the transformations that go in the other direction?

Life is not a continuous ascension to the top, there are ups and downs, highs and lows, and we all experience them. Right now, I’m going to be completely honest, I’m at a pretty low, low. Last year was very challenging, especially the last few months. Not being able to train the way I want or play the sport that I love has been really hard mentally. The road to recovery has been long and I’m not even close to being where I want to be. Sometimes it’s discouraging even to think about. But our bodies are resilient by nature and are capable of amazing things. So I will never quit. I will keep going and just try to get a tiny bit better every day. I HAVE been getting better every day. I will continue to claw my way out of this hole and slowly get back to where I want to be.

So here is my transformation over the last year. At the end of 2015, I was super fit, very lean, pretty damn strong and I was training really hard for several hours a day, feeling really great and loving my life. My weight fluctuated between 133-137 lbs. Fast forward to the end of 2016 after a year of pain which led to two knee surgeries and over 3 months off. At this point I'm way less fit, not as lean, have no strength and am unable to train at all (besides physical therapy which I do like it’s my job). I weighed in yesterday at 128 lbs.

This is NOT a weight loss victory. Although my jeans fit looser (slight consolation) I don't feel good. I look down at my legs and don't even recognize myself. They're squishy, flabby (and pale) and have lost all muscular definition. It's depressing. Even though I'm the lightest I've been in years, I feel "skinny fat" and gross. I know, I know, I'm not fat and gross but that is how I FEEL. I went from being able to squat over 250 lbs to not being able to do even a single air squat. My point is that we all struggle, we all have our issues and insecurities and challenges no matter what we look like on the outside. But we can’t give up. Because the obstacle is the way. Without the lows, we wouldn’t experience the highs. Without challenge, we wouldn’t celebrate success.

So what can I do? I can keep going. And NOT give up. I can focus on the things I CAN control which are my thoughts, my nutrition, my sleep, and where I direct my energy. I KNOW that I will make a full recovery and be back even stronger than before. How do I know? Because I BELIEVE it to be true. And what we believe inevitably becomes our truth. I know it will take time and I have to be patient with myself and I have been thus far. I know that I am well supported and have great people around me. I know all these things. But that doesn't make it easy.

Why am I posting this? To show that we are all human and vulnerable and we all have the same basic needs. We all go through tough times and struggle through the ups and downs of life. I am NOT posting this looking for pity, sympathy, compliments or words of encouragement. I only wanted to share to keep it totally real and hopefully help someone else who needs to see this. I know that I am not alone and that helps. And knowing that people may relate to this and benefit from it or be inspired or motivated by it, is the best reward of all.

I will be back. I will reach my goals. And when I do, the victories will be that much sweeter. Because the satisfaction comes from overcoming challenges, which makes the journey the ultimate destination. Without losses, there are no wins. Without pain, there is no glory.